gray zone
I lead a small software company in a niche industry. Our head of product and I had the same boss early in our careers. I considered him a mentor and friend, but she clearly did not. In the years since we worked together, she told me that the two of them had a close relationship that didn’t end amicably. They were both single, consenting adults, but she was younger and his junior. She considers the relationship exploitative and unethical. She didn’t tell her then-boss anything, but she’s frustrated that her boss shied away from her responsibilities.
Now, our company has a reason to seek a partnership with my former boss’s new company. I have every reason to side with my employees. Our old boss’s actions were inappropriate. But to be honest, I still consider him a good person and a worthy partner. What are my obligations to my product manager? What are my obligations to my company? Should I refrain from exploring this new business relationship out of loyalty to her? Should I recommend it? How should you approach your relationship with the head of product if you think it’s in the best interest of the business to move forward?
– Anonymous
Which is more important: building a new business relationship with your ex-boss or maintaining a good relationship with the head of product? You have an obligation to keep her out of uncomfortable situations, and frankly, , we have a duty not to place junior staff in situations where they may be exploited by known exploiters. You should refrain from exploring this new business relationship, not simply out of loyalty, but out of consideration for all women in your organization. To be clear, your former boss did not commit a crime. Human relationships always exist in the workplace. But if there’s a power imbalance in that relationship, that’s a problem. Many would argue that what happened between your former boss and the head of product is a personal situation and should not influence your current professional decisions. However, entering into a romantic relationship with a subordinate is predatory and unethical. You don’t want to do business with someone who is or has been known to be predatory and unethical. It’s very simple, I think you already know.
Manager management
Over the past few years, my manager has been normalizing the dynamic between colleagues and friends. His co-workers confessed that he was slow on projects, forcing others to pick up his slack. Unfortunately, I started experiencing this while working closely with him on a close project. He is not a very organized and focused person and tends to rely on me and others (mainly women). He is a supportive, well-meaning, and empathetic person, but he has a habit of pushing his emotional work and personal baggage onto me, some of which crosses boundaries. All of this puts me in a difficult position, both as his direct report and as his “friend.” I have lost trust in him and am being taken advantage of.
I’m getting to the point where his struggle to perform effectively is directly impacting, and possibly hindering, my own potential growth and advancement opportunities. If I were to be upfront with the manager’s boss, it could have a negative impact on his future here as they have a contentious relationship. Am I contributing to the mediocrity of my boss’s work by not taking steps to hold him accountable and worrying too much about interpersonal relationships?
– Anonymous
This blurring of boundaries between work and personal can be very uncomfortable. And as a subordinate, you are at a significant disadvantage in this situation. Your manager has all the power, and while you have to provide emotional labor and compensate for his professional shortcomings, his problems jeopardize your position. Yes, you and many others are enabling your manager’s mediocrity. It’s not easy to move on, but have you discussed these concerns with him? I would start there. Balancing work and personal relationships is very difficult. So make it clear that you want to remain friendly but professional. If talking to him doesn’t help, it may be time to bring up your professional issues with his direct boss to his boss’s boss.
